Come Together
One of the trickiest things we newly sober people need to face is how to build a satisfying life in a society that revolves around alcohol. As a noob to this and still counting my days, I’m possibly not the best placed to answer that: I don’t have the long-term experience, and I’ve not yet survived my first Christmas, which is looming. But there are some things I do know, despite not having the longevity to back it up.
The Opposite of Addiction Is Connection
I read somewhere that the opposite of addiction is connection, and that struck a chord with me, as one of those people whose drinking — while never exactly moderate — slid into something excessive during the pandemic, the bulk of which was at home alone. Unfortunately, this pattern continued after our freedom returned.
To summarise: I’m middle aged with a teenage son who lives with his dad three days a week and starts his exams in the summer. The empty nest is looming and in the last few years, I have only made myself more isolated.
No Violins, Please
No violins here, I am lucky. Apart from my son, I have good friends, siblings… I am not alone. And I know I’m not alone in reaching that age where I don’t want to be out late — there is a reason that afternoon and early evening nightclubs have grown in popularity!
But I don’t have a partner and sometimes I feel lonely, hard as that is to admit. In the past, the wine witch was always there, ready with her comforts, blurring out the loneliness, helping me feel no pain.
So now that I’ve chucked a bucket of water over her… what next?
Now that I am feeling all my feelings and not drinking to blot them out, what will calm them?
Community Is the Answer
Community is the answer. Connection.
Sitting at home watching TV with a bottle of AF wine is better than drinking alcohol, but it won’t deal with the underlying reasons for drinking too much. It won’t make me less lonely.
Hobbies of any kind are good, and I know lots of people get into crafty things like knitting, but something that involves getting to know people in a community is even better: Stitch and Bitch anyone?
And even if we can’t get out easily, the online world can provide so much connection now — including the groups inside the
Just The Tonic Coaching Programme, which offers discreet, private alcohol-free support and sober coaching.
My Answer Is Dance
My answer is dance.
I have already been dancing the tango for over ten years. This is the Argentine tango, which in real life is absolutely nothing like the ridiculous, “knickers in the air, legs over the shoulders” nonsense you get on Strictly. To be fair, a bit of that does go on, but only from eejits.
The real social tango is something deeper, improvised, and all about the embrace, the music and the connection. Google Noelia y Carlos and you’ll see what I mean.
And in cities all over the worldthere are tango communities, often in church halls or sports centres, ticking away, unknown to non-dancing mortals.
Tango: A Naturally Sober Hobby
The thing about it is that you can’t really drink and tango. It affects your balance and ability to connect with your partner. Most people drive to tango events and — if they don’t — have maybe one or two drinks at most. The majority don’t drink at all; it is literally a sober hobby.
Until recently, I would rarely go to evening dances, because that was my drinking time. I’d make a plan to go to an evening milonga, but would drink some wine and find myself glued to the sofa instead. Although I danced most weeks and had tango friends, I was only halfway in that community.
Dancing More, Drinking Less
In the last two months, I have been dancing two or three times a week. I’ve got to know people properly that I only had surface chats with before, and I have had some wonderful dances that I know I wouldn’t have had if I’d been drinking.
There are events and socials that I look forward to and know that I will enjoy without alcohol. There are dances past that I missed out on, chances lost, a few regrets. But now it feels like it’s not too late and I really am part of something — a feeling that I will never find at the end of a bottle.
I am feeling connection.
How will you find yours?
Jude is a proud participant of the Just The Tonic Coaching program who is learning to live an alcohol‑free lifestyle. She shares her personal journey and insights to inspire others to regain control over their relationship with alcohol.